My Old Boy

First part of this story is that I lost my best friend and companion of 16 years, Mick. April 23. It was a horrible, expected day and my heart is still broken. There are days it comes from nowhere and hurts so badly. It's only been 2 months he's been gone, but I feel it like it's only yesterday. We had an awful last night together, he was hemoraghing and bleeding out slowly. It all started after we took out the trash, so I always connect Thursday trash to Mick's last night. We came in the house and I gave him some chicken jerky- his "crack." He had a hard time swallowing it and choked on it. I think he choked so hard he broke open a tumor. He started a nosebleed and was quiet. When I saw the blood I checked on him, and he seemed ok. I cleaned things up and he laid down. Now, looking back, I remember laying with him, trying to figure it all out. He licked my nose and looked like he was done. I lay with him for a while, then got busy finishing up for the night. He walked down the hall, sneezed and it looked like a murder scene- blood everywhere. I shooed him outside to let him work through it. I checked on him a little later and he was covered in blood on his muzzle. I called the vet- and I don't know how he understood a single thing I said, but he said it didn't sound good. I really don't think he thougth we'd last the night. Mick coughed up blood all night. I left him outside, where he was comfortable. I would go out and sit with him until I got too cold, then I'd come in to warm up. Then, it was back out with him again. Finally about 5 am, he laid down, just exhausted, I'm sure. I laid onthe frozen ground with him, watching a gorgeous late spring sunrise. He finally quieted some and started to sleep. In his sleep, he started to shiver, so I brought one of his many blankets to keep him warm and comfy.

He took his last ride in his truck to the vet that Friday morning. I thought for sure he'd lay at the back of the truck, but he got into "his spot." Then at the vet, he didn't want out, but once I coaxed and pushed him out, he didn't struggle at all- not like him. He stayed at the vet Friday night, they called Saturday morning and told me he was doing better, so I stopped for a visit. He wasn't great, and I told him he could go. He didn't have to hold on for me any longer. I'd be ok. He was tired. I left, looking forward to a visit later in the day. When I got home, the vet called earlier than I was expecting and said we needed to take care of him. He was going downhill quickly.

The poor vet had had several awful experiences and was tired of animals dying in his care, I think and just wanted to fix Mick for me. We knew it was time, though. Poor old man, he didn't need to suffer more. Dr Stav was so kind to me and to my boy. It was about 3:30 April 25th, I said goobye.

I was so devastated. My heart has been broken and aches for the comfort and familiarity of that boy. He took the place of any children I could have had. He became my world. My commitment to him was just a part of life. I would think of him while I was at work, or anywhere else. I always looked forward to seeing him when I got home. Sometimes I got frustrated by his solitary ways, but I knew he was my boy. I looked forward to seeing him in the morning. I always knew where he was, even if I couldn't see him, I could feel his presence. I've never looked forward to death. It's time will come, but I never have anticipated it at all. After Mick left, I felt for the first time how I will be happier dead. I'll meet up with my best pup there. And he'll be the goofy fellow I loved for all those years.

I still sleep with his collar, knowing he's still close to me. I had him cremated and they sent him home to me in a cookie tin! It's just so cheesy... Until his ashes came home, I didn't feel he was around. I was empty. When I got him home, it felt better to me. I discovered within a week that there was no way I could exist alone. I immediately began the search for my new companion. That will be my next post, how Grace come into my world.

massage woes

It's really hard right now for me to find clients. I have several irons in fires, but nothing is panning out very quickly. I am almost afraid of succeeding. Typical me. Set myself up to fail, even when things are looking good.

I realize that with my limited appointments and odd hours, that I will have to find that special thing that will set me apart from everyone else. I need to find that magic something that will bring the balance over to my side of things.

I am working with Kelly Johnson to do both some chair massage and also set up an offer for her clients of her wellness program. She is so enthusiastic about my business that it's encouraging. And I know she'll sell my business as quickly as she sells her own.

Shairon has been kind of MIA lately, but I think it's because of a new building relationship and the kids being out of school. That has changed her schedule a lot.

I know that I need to start putting in effort to find my new clients. I am very excited to do some chair massage- I didn't think it would be much fun, but I truly enjoy the variety of people and the quickness of it. However, when I give an hour massage, I come out so much better. My soul is quiet and satisfied. Now, to get paid for this....

Tom from Missoula has asked me to bring my chair over to the dog trials. I think that will be fun. I hope other people there will be interested in it as well. I would like to make some money with it, but if I even walk away with $30 I would be thrilled. plus, being around those people and dogs will be so awesome for Miss Grace.

the future's so bright for me

I'm frustrated that everything is moving so slowly in my life. In reality, things are happening at warp speed, but I have small goals to get through before I can move on to the "Big Show." The PO is dragging me slowly. I need to commit more entirely to finishing the scheme so I can at least move to that other shift. The first week or so of 5 am might kill me! But what a sweet death.

I am so excited to have evenings free where I can watch the sunset, play with the horses, go out to dinner, try classes...you name it, I'm up for it this year. I'm so tired of existing, it's time to live!

I have been waiting on MIMT to get my certificate to me before I started to plan a business. I wanted confirmation and validation that I did it. I am waiting on the scheme thing to work through, too.

I have found a potential partner for my massage life. Kelly is an enthusiastic woman who is driven to follow her dream. I can really use her energy! We found a space to set up in, now we're just hoping the landlord will accept our offer towards rent. I can see working there, and the potential for decor and ease for clients.

I may not be pursuing the medical side of massage like I thought I would. I may be hitting on the energy side of things more. I will always learn about the physiological side of what I'm doing, but I feel drawn to help people destress and relax. I don't want to work with people's emotions, except to help them relax and learn to work on their own emotions. I feel pulled in so many different directions with this vocation. A calling of sorts.

I never felt that before in my life. And the support I've gotten from friends has been amazing! I have even had people who have been skeptics of my choices who are excited for me. That energy makes a huge difference to me.

The economy is so frightening right now. Every time I turn around, I hear of another place that is cutting back, slowing down. I am secure with my 40 hours at the PO, but I worry about those guys who are PTF's. They've been getting the max overtime, and they can't see what can be around the corner. If the newest rumor of early retirements is true, then I'm sure there will be more people interested. We'll see what they offer. If the next phase of employees are not "career" employees I'm sure they will be used to the maximum and no overtime to those career employees. But, I've been working to eliminate the OT for a while, and with the massage, I just won't need it!

graduation

Hooray! This weekend was the final weekend of massage school. Graduation was on Sunday, but I came home Saturday- not feeling well and the weather was insane cold. I like to dig in when it gets below zero and Great Falls is so much colder than Helena.

The final tests for NMT were Saturday. The written and the practical. I got 100% on all of my practical tests. Written tests are a different story, though. I realized last night that the National Certification is written- on computer- but written, none the less. I will have to get extremely serious about that before I take it. I was playing with the practice tests from MIMT and boy, I have tons to get stuck in my brain- the correct answer. I'm really good at holding on to the wrong answer, but switching it to the right answer is so hard to do. Lots and lots of studying, I think. I had better get ordering the study guides soon.

Now, it's time to follow up on the business side of things and figure out how to start my practice.

October 13

Studying massage therapy has been a rollercoaster ride. And I'm not so fond of rollercoasters. At first, the simple act of studying was tough. Then, we started A& P and it got so much harder. I have spent lots of years not using my brain outside it's simplest boundaries.

Every time we have Anatomoy and Physiology, I feel like the world's biggest idiot. But, once I remember I'm not stupid, just having a hard time, I feel so much better about it all. I know I will make it through this, somehow...

The travelling to Great Falls for class has been it's own challenge. Financial and emotional. For the last 4 1/2 months I have not been home for my weekends. I am very satisfied to stay home when I get the chance! It's been a treat to spend time with my Aunt Eileen. We have wonderful visits and she like to take care of me for the night.

Yesterday when I came home it was snowing- huge snowflakes coming heavy just before I enterd the north end of Wolf Creek canyon. The road was only wet, not slushy, and I got lost in the snowflakes. I will be 80 years old and will still look at giant snowflakes with the wonder of a child.

I find it funny that I don't have the road memorized yet. I am not sure what's around each corner while I drive down or back. I'm always surprised when I make it to the Dearborn exit, it seems to pop up out of nowhere. That's really unlike me. But, I suppose I'm a bit distracted while driving that road. There's always something going on in my mind.